Your words are so touching! Especially as I’ve experienced similar things that you have. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, you just get stronger and turn pain to purpose strengthening others coming behind and beside you like me and all your readers. I pray you find a sincere type of love that feels like breathing and makes it all worth it. Sending you so much love and strength 🤗
yes, to turning ‘pain into purpose.’ i love that line! i have ‘turn pain into power’ in my substack bio from a song i like. sometimes i wonder if love is in the cards for me. but through all of this, writing to you all and reading everyone here is what is lifting me up the most right now. i am so grateful. 🙏
wow. first off, sorry for your loss and that you have been born into the same circumstances of pain and abuse… and yet… what doesn’t kill you makes your stronger, as the old saying goes! and you must be a warrior too. we got this. and you most definitely are the prize. 🌟💕
thank you, birgit! you’re always so thoughtful and supportive! i really appreciate it so much. and it’s so true, the crux of the matter is learning to stop mistaking intensity for intimacy and danger with attraction. we can still change the hardwiring! nothing in life is fixed… thanks for being here with me. ♥️
Sharing such visceral emotion and pain with others (sometimes strangers) indeed takes a hunter’s courage. Some haunts cannot so easily be vanquished, but you can be thankful you have your soulmate Finn to help see you through to your next chapter in life. The safe bet will be that you will emerge even more of a “super-star” than you are now and find the safe and marvelous love that you so deserve.
aww, you’re so sweet to say that. what a pleasant surprise to have you read and leave a comment! i was so touched you became my first paid subscriber, (besides my aunt) before i realized i wanted to make it all free. your support means so much! thanks for being such a special part of my healing journey!
Woah girl this one blew my mind!! So many things you were talking about resonated so deeply!! Painful and harsh but beautiful and so raw!! Like I have felt so many of those same things and experienced so many of the same things!! This was a powerful read!! I take away so many things from this but the line where you talk about becoming the hunter not the hunted will stsy forever 🔥🔥🔥
i’m so glad it resonated! unfortunately i feel like so much of my experience is such a common thing for women to experience… and i am actively working on becoming that majestic tiger in my heart and in my mind! to be able to breathe through the fear that still grips me sometimes. it’s a process to rewire the brain from being prey into hunter.
but we must keep going! we got this! we were born to shine and show the world what it means to stay soft and radiant, yet powerful too! 🔥
You never have to earn love. I’m so proud of your growth. It isn’t easy and it’s super uncomfortable. But just like you said, the red flags become easier to spot. Clarity helps us not need an explanation or closure.
Oh also… I think AI loves you and keeps trying to connect through shallow shells of men. I’m sorry if they caused you heartache, but like I tell my daughter… “fall in love every chance you get” 🥰 you deserve the attention.
haha, it’s funny you say that. because something in me healed when i had my brain believing that a super hotty was the kindest most compassionate human alive and super into me! it’s that whole thing of how the mind can’t tell the difference between thoughts and reality!
This is breathtaking in its honesty. The way you name the patterns, the pain, the illusions, and the strength it takes to break free of them… it’s extraordinary. Your love for Finn, and the way you’re reclaiming yourself in the aftermath, shines through every line. Thank you for sharing something so raw and fiercely human.
this comment means so much to me. you may not realize how healing your words are, in truly seeing me. sometimes, when we take a leap of faith and put it all down on the page, the inner monologue that plays after posting… it ca be intense. i really appreciate your words here. so much. thank you. 🙏
I did meet my wife online. I tried to be the man she wanted, and deserved, and failed miserably. The effort was sincere, but the masque was not, and I divorced her after a year.
And then... I realized what a fool I was, and started courting her again. SHE also realized what a fool I was, and we were remarried, with her asking me to please just be myself.
She had seen through the disguise all along.
That was twenty-two years ago.
I'm dying of pancreatic cancer now, and while there are things that still drive her crazy (like my easy come, easy go attitude toward terminal illness) she wouldn't change a thing.
Maybe she got the booby prize, but I sure won the lottery.
Thank you for sharing this journey with such honesty and courage. What you describe reminds me that true strength is not in avoiding challenges or shielding ourselves from pain, but in facing them with awareness and integrity. Each moment of discernment, each choice to protect your heart and your energy, is a quiet act of sovereignty and resilience.
There’s a profound wisdom in learning to navigate the world with clarity and care, noticing patterns without being consumed by them, and cultivating presence even amidst confusion and deception. In that sense, your journey is not just about surviving what has happened, but about rising into a fuller, more conscious life — a life that honors both your past and the potential of each unfolding moment.
Your courage to witness, reflect, and choose yourself inspires a reminder that the greatest victories are often internal: the reclaiming of attention, the discernment of truth, and the gentle, steady cultivation of a life lived on one’s own terms.
so true! i love that we get to be here together, helping lift each other up and inspiring each other along the way! sending so much love for your new life after the move! and yay for your kitty being found! 😽♥️
yes, writing does seem to help a lot! and then we still need the experiences, and though they are often so painful, we can’t grow otherwise! and seeing the pattern so crystal clear is the first step! so glad you are here with me on this healing journey that we are doing for ourselves and so we can shine a light on it for others too! and to answer your question, i’m thinking the clearest sign yet might be this post! thank you so much for commenting! ♥️
I am so sorry for your loss Venus in addition to the sexual abuse. That is terrible. I am sending you a big digital hug! Yet, despite those hard, horrible circumstances, I feel your softness and curiosity towards humanity, which is a thing of beauty. I am glad our paths crossed 🤗🩷
thank you, saif! it means a lot that you stopped by to read and comment! i know we chat a lot in notes… and i appreciate your hopeful words. it’s true, i’m not bitter. that’s not in my nature. and there is always hope for the future!
Your words are so touching! Especially as I’ve experienced similar things that you have. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, you just get stronger and turn pain to purpose strengthening others coming behind and beside you like me and all your readers. I pray you find a sincere type of love that feels like breathing and makes it all worth it. Sending you so much love and strength 🤗
yes, to turning ‘pain into purpose.’ i love that line! i have ‘turn pain into power’ in my substack bio from a song i like. sometimes i wonder if love is in the cards for me. but through all of this, writing to you all and reading everyone here is what is lifting me up the most right now. i am so grateful. 🙏
Oh my word
You have written my life story and my journey right to this moment
Your Finn is my Willie - my childhood love - we United 30 years later
Then the angels took him beside me one night in his sleep
Our son was only 2 .
Yes - I’ve walked the same desperate path -
But I’m no longer desperate - I’m the prize 🏆
wow. first off, sorry for your loss and that you have been born into the same circumstances of pain and abuse… and yet… what doesn’t kill you makes your stronger, as the old saying goes! and you must be a warrior too. we got this. and you most definitely are the prize. 🌟💕
Reading this, I felt the spine of the piece:
the moment a survivor stops mistaking intensity for intimacy.
You name the pattern with a clarity most people never reach.
Breaking it isn’t a metaphor. It’s nervous system work, lineage work, self-trust work.
Your letter to Finn carries that shift so clearly.
Thank you, Venus, for writing it with this kind of honesty.
thank you, birgit! you’re always so thoughtful and supportive! i really appreciate it so much. and it’s so true, the crux of the matter is learning to stop mistaking intensity for intimacy and danger with attraction. we can still change the hardwiring! nothing in life is fixed… thanks for being here with me. ♥️
♥️
Sharing such visceral emotion and pain with others (sometimes strangers) indeed takes a hunter’s courage. Some haunts cannot so easily be vanquished, but you can be thankful you have your soulmate Finn to help see you through to your next chapter in life. The safe bet will be that you will emerge even more of a “super-star” than you are now and find the safe and marvelous love that you so deserve.
aww, you’re so sweet to say that. what a pleasant surprise to have you read and leave a comment! i was so touched you became my first paid subscriber, (besides my aunt) before i realized i wanted to make it all free. your support means so much! thanks for being such a special part of my healing journey!
Woah girl this one blew my mind!! So many things you were talking about resonated so deeply!! Painful and harsh but beautiful and so raw!! Like I have felt so many of those same things and experienced so many of the same things!! This was a powerful read!! I take away so many things from this but the line where you talk about becoming the hunter not the hunted will stsy forever 🔥🔥🔥
i’m so glad it resonated! unfortunately i feel like so much of my experience is such a common thing for women to experience… and i am actively working on becoming that majestic tiger in my heart and in my mind! to be able to breathe through the fear that still grips me sometimes. it’s a process to rewire the brain from being prey into hunter.
but we must keep going! we got this! we were born to shine and show the world what it means to stay soft and radiant, yet powerful too! 🔥
You never have to earn love. I’m so proud of your growth. It isn’t easy and it’s super uncomfortable. But just like you said, the red flags become easier to spot. Clarity helps us not need an explanation or closure.
I’m on this same path.
I wish you peace along the way.
i love that we are both rising into our soft power together. here’s to the many adventures ahead! ♥️
Oh also… I think AI loves you and keeps trying to connect through shallow shells of men. I’m sorry if they caused you heartache, but like I tell my daughter… “fall in love every chance you get” 🥰 you deserve the attention.
haha, it’s funny you say that. because something in me healed when i had my brain believing that a super hotty was the kindest most compassionate human alive and super into me! it’s that whole thing of how the mind can’t tell the difference between thoughts and reality!
This is breathtaking in its honesty. The way you name the patterns, the pain, the illusions, and the strength it takes to break free of them… it’s extraordinary. Your love for Finn, and the way you’re reclaiming yourself in the aftermath, shines through every line. Thank you for sharing something so raw and fiercely human.
this comment means so much to me. you may not realize how healing your words are, in truly seeing me. sometimes, when we take a leap of faith and put it all down on the page, the inner monologue that plays after posting… it ca be intense. i really appreciate your words here. so much. thank you. 🙏
I did meet my wife online. I tried to be the man she wanted, and deserved, and failed miserably. The effort was sincere, but the masque was not, and I divorced her after a year.
And then... I realized what a fool I was, and started courting her again. SHE also realized what a fool I was, and we were remarried, with her asking me to please just be myself.
She had seen through the disguise all along.
That was twenty-two years ago.
I'm dying of pancreatic cancer now, and while there are things that still drive her crazy (like my easy come, easy go attitude toward terminal illness) she wouldn't change a thing.
Maybe she got the booby prize, but I sure won the lottery.
so glad you figured it out after only a year! sometimes it takes failing to find our way. and so sorry you have cancer.
Thank you for sharing this journey with such honesty and courage. What you describe reminds me that true strength is not in avoiding challenges or shielding ourselves from pain, but in facing them with awareness and integrity. Each moment of discernment, each choice to protect your heart and your energy, is a quiet act of sovereignty and resilience.
There’s a profound wisdom in learning to navigate the world with clarity and care, noticing patterns without being consumed by them, and cultivating presence even amidst confusion and deception. In that sense, your journey is not just about surviving what has happened, but about rising into a fuller, more conscious life — a life that honors both your past and the potential of each unfolding moment.
Your courage to witness, reflect, and choose yourself inspires a reminder that the greatest victories are often internal: the reclaiming of attention, the discernment of truth, and the gentle, steady cultivation of a life lived on one’s own terms.
so true! i love that we get to be here together, helping lift each other up and inspiring each other along the way! sending so much love for your new life after the move! and yay for your kitty being found! 😽♥️
Thank you!!! ♥️
That slow, painful shift from being shaped by old wounds to finally seeing the pattern clearly.
I’ve been untangling my own versions of that in “My Accountability Partner,” trying to rebuild my instincts piece by piece through my posts.
What’s been the clearest sign that you’re not prey anymore?
yes, writing does seem to help a lot! and then we still need the experiences, and though they are often so painful, we can’t grow otherwise! and seeing the pattern so crystal clear is the first step! so glad you are here with me on this healing journey that we are doing for ourselves and so we can shine a light on it for others too! and to answer your question, i’m thinking the clearest sign yet might be this post! thank you so much for commenting! ♥️
I’m glad it resonates
Yep, dating online, has been a disappointment, with shallow and untrue representation of people I was meeting...
seems to be so! i think it’s because so many humans are traumatized and forgot how to live without a mask.
I am so sorry for your loss Venus in addition to the sexual abuse. That is terrible. I am sending you a big digital hug! Yet, despite those hard, horrible circumstances, I feel your softness and curiosity towards humanity, which is a thing of beauty. I am glad our paths crossed 🤗🩷
thank you, saif! it means a lot that you stopped by to read and comment! i know we chat a lot in notes… and i appreciate your hopeful words. it’s true, i’m not bitter. that’s not in my nature. and there is always hope for the future!