i came on live almost at midnight, half expecting no one to show, still wired from a 2am online spanish exam the night before for my master’s application at a university in spain.

this live spirals through themes the way they always do: a jack canfield training i overpaid for years ago, the actual mechanics of the spain visa backdoor, kali yuga and the golden era we’re supposedly moving toward, what it means to build your safety on rock instead of sand, and why a quiet stretch on substack isn’t proof you’re doing something wrong.

a few threads worth tracking

the jack canfield lesson — if you’re not a little scared, you’re probably not dreaming big enough. the difference between healthy stretch and self-sacrifice, and why we were taught the second one instead of the first. [~0:00]

the visa backdoor — how “let’s move to spain” turned into an unexpected second master’s, a 2am online exam taken in spanish i barely speak, and why sometimes the plan finds you sideways. [~3:00]

the golden era — kali yuga, the great unraveling since covid, and why the world looking more chaotic right now might actually be the sign we’re closer to waking up, not further from it. [~9:00]

becoming a lighthouse — you can’t be a lighthouse for anyone else until you’ve built yours on rock instead of sand. what it means to get safe in your own body before you try to hold space for others. [~15:30]

the engagement lull — sitting with the fear that a quiet stretch on substack means i’m doing it wrong, and choosing instead to believe it has nothing to do with me at all. keep doing you, your people will find you. [~19:45]

the mask underneath the mask — what i’ve noticed dating again: how many of us are operating from an egoic performance instead of the centered place underneath it, and the ongoing work of asking what’s actually driving me versus what’s just an old wound talking. [~21:00]

sit with this

• where in your life are you choosing cold comfort over the discomfort of real growth?

• if the chaos around you right now is actually a sign of waking up, not falling apart, what changes about how you’re relating to it?

• what would it look like to build your safety on your own rock, instead of waiting for someone else’s?

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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this one is a real-time reflection, recorded after returning from a retreat in costa rica. we move through ancestral patterns, the cost of cycle breaking, and why showing up imperfectly is still showing up.

a few threads worth tracking

the initial split — what jungian psychology and retreat work both point to: something happens between ages two and five that creates a fracture between who we are and who we learn to be to survive. this isn’t pathology. this is being human. [~7:00]

the baggage — we’re all carrying it. the limiting beliefs we absorbed from parents who absorbed them from theirs. not our true essence, but packed in so tight we mistake it for ourselves. [~10:00]

separation as the wound — how centuries of materialist thinking, organized religion, and systems of power cut us off from the understanding that everything is alive, everything is connected, everything is energy. and what that disconnection does to a nervous system over a lifetime. [~13:00]

cycle breaking — as a practice with a real cost. being the one in your line who stops, turns around, and says: no further. what that takes. what it makes possible. [~20:00]

self care micro doses — because not everyone can go to costa rica. what’s available to you right now: the breath, five minutes outside, the small decision to go in instead of numb out. [~24:00]

showing up anyway — i talked about the substack numbers, about wondering if anyone cares, about doing this for five people on a thursday from a car. because doing it for yourself first is the only thing that’s ever sustainable. [~27:00]

questions to sit with

— where in your life are you waiting for conditions to be right before you show up?

— what patterns are you carrying that were never actually yours to begin with?

— what would it feel like to give yourself one hour, or five minutes, just to go in?

if any of this resonates, share it with someone who might enjoy it.

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i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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i didn’t set out to talk about manifestation in a straight line. that’s not how it works… it’s not how healing works either. so this one spirals, the way all real stories do: recording from my car, i take us on a journey, moving through my first marriage, a safe house in north boulder, a pile of gold on a debt folder, and the moment i heard finn’s voice at the dog park and felt something my body had been waiting to feel for years.

this is about what has to break open before anything good can get in.

a few threads worth tracking

the script — from disney princess to match.com, how so many of us followed a program we didn’t write and didn’t question. what it means to finally notice you’re on the rats’ wheel. [~4:00]

danger equals intimacy — the wiring that draws us toward what’s familiar even when familiar means unsafe. not a character flaw. a nervous system doing exactly what it learned. [~10:00]

the secret left something out — the part about picturing the red car is only the beginning. the real work is what you find when you ask yourself why the red car feels out of reach. the limiting beliefs. the interference. [~17:00]

the safe house — government food stamps, whole foods two blocks away, two little girls, a debt folder with a gold icon. this is the actual origin story of manifesting wealth and i want you to feel how unglamorous it was. and how real. [~24:00]

root to rise — going all the way down before you can go up. the chakra framework that makes sense of why manifestation requires embodiment, not just intention. [~30:00]

finn — the dog park, the voice, the recognition. and then the student loans he paid off without me ever telling him i’d been wanting to pay them off. that’s the part that still gets me. [~38:00]

questions to sit with

— where in your life are you following a script you never consciously chose?

— what does “danger” feel like in your body — and where did you first learn that feeling?

— when you imagine the thing you most want, what comes up in between wanting it and believing it?

— what’s the next better feeling thought from where you are right now?

— what would gratitude feel like in a situation that doesn’t look like abundance yet?

references from this live

• the secret — the book/documentary that started the unraveling for me in the safe house years

• esther hicks / abraham hicks — “choose the next better feeling thought”

• eckhart tolle — the pain body and present-moment consciousness

• lee harris — the $100 bill exercise: hold one and notice what comes up

• joe dispenza — healing and visualization studies (basketball/mental rehearsal research)

• rhythmia — licensed plant medicine facility in costa rica; i go back next week

  ---

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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in this week’s live session, i open with something i’ve been sitting with what it actually looks like to re-enter dating after profound loss, four years after my husband and soulmate finn died of cancer. but i don’t start with romance. i start with the root.

i trace the through-line between early childhood wounding, insecure attachment, and the way we unconsciously seek out what’s familiar rather than what’s good for us, what i’m calling the broken compass, pointing not toward our north star but toward more of the same. the hurt child at the wheel. the subconscious driving the bus.

from there, i weave together threads from my own life: my recent essay on self-love, the dream of the iron rod and conformity, my art therapy practice, my experience at rhythmia (a licensed plant medicine retreat center in costa rica i’m preparing to return to), and the way ayahuasca opened buried memories and reconnected me to my body. i talk candidly about the difference between mindfulness as performance and the deeper, messier work of actually feeling what’s underneath, healing in the body, not just the mind.

the conversation turns honest about my recent forays into dating: a 22-year-old, a love-bombing stranger who turned frightening, the pattern of hearing words but not believing my own nervous system. i keep coming back to one phrase — danger equals intimacy — and how the body’s signals, when we’ve been conditioned to ignore them, become the very information we need most.

i close with what i’ve learned: that healing isn’t linear, it isn’t tidy, and it doesn’t require getting it right. it requires showing up, in the mess, in the recapitulation, in the micro-moments where you choose differently. you can be messy and healing at the same time. that’s the work. that’s the point.

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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this week's live happened in my car, i wanted to talk about the courage it takes to keep showing up in a world so full of pain and suffering.

because we all start out treading water, floating along on our little life rafts, just doing our best to stay afloat, and then something happens that blasts you off entirely. and that's actually the point.

i talk about the iceberg, the buried treasure, and how much we are afraid to look at that exists below the surface.

how to find your people as a 200-watt bulb in a 40-watt world, where healing is always a choice.

why you can't do the real alchemy, can't make meaning from madness, unless you first build a container of safety.

and what it looks like when you finally stop white-knuckling the driftwood and learn to dive. because once you learn how to swim in the storm, nothing, and i mean nothing, can stop you.

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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i'm still working out some streaming connection issues. the wifi booster did not fix it, lol. but the audio is clean — if the glitches bother you, just close your eyes and listen.

what does it mean to be a sovereign being on a planet that’s been designed to keep you small?

in this live, i dive back into the architecture of power: how it was built, who it serves, and how it lives not just in governments and systems but in our bodies, our nervous systems, our sexuality, our desire, our food.

i move between the personal and the cosmic: from the pecking order in my backyard chicken coop to the roman empire, from the prefrontal cortex to the pineal gland, from losing finn to cancer in a world saturated with neurotoxins, to what it actually looks like to rise.

this is a conversation for the heart warriors, the ones who showed up anyway, who are writing and channeling and healing and still choosing to be boots on the ground. if you’re here, you’re already part of the change wave. welcome.

maybe just have a listen for this one…

i started by circling back to my latest piece on the reptilian takeover, because writing it felt like crossing a threshold. it was the most of my spiritual self i’ve ever put on the page: the hindbrain, the false matrix, the way we’ve all been kept in survival mode so long we think that’s just what being human feels like.

i discuss how we are actively encouraged to stay silent, to stay in consumption mode, to feed a wheel that was never built for us, school, job, retire, die. and the resistance you feel when you go to speak your truth, that’s thousands of years of cellular memory, of ancestors burned at the stake, driven from villages, and killed for the wisdom they carried.

your body remembers even when your mind tries to forget.

but now it’s go time. i’m 48, i’ve healed what was making me small, and i’m done dancing around it. no more fucks to give.

so if you can relate to any of this: welcome to the club!

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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come, sit with me!

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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what i ended up talking about was something i think so many of us carry: the way expectation and self-worth get all tangled up together, the little child in us who just wanted to connect, to explore, to express — and the ways that got shut down, over and over, until we started believing we weren't good enough to have what we hoped for.

this is a conversation about what it actually looks like to become a cycle breaker. to be the healed person helping heal others. to begin, slowly, to be a lighthouse in a dark stormy sea for anyone still trying to find their way home.

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

Subscribe now

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

Subscribe now

in this conversation, i explore the deeper layers of healing, what it means to return to the self beneath the mask, and how our wounds shape the relationships and patterns we repeat. i share about learning to sit with discomfort, listen to your inner knowing, and begin choosing differently. this is about the slow, yet rewarding process of becoming more authentic and reclaiming your true self.

thank you for being here, it truly means the world. i love hearing your thoughts, if you feel called to comment.

Leave a comment

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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in this week’s conversation, we talk about rebuilding that inner compass and learning to trust the quiet signal inside that knows when something isn’t right.

thank you to everyone who joined the live conversation.

if this resonates, i’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

thank you for being here, it truly means the world. i love hearing your thoughts, if you feel called to comment.

Leave a comment

i am a writer, speaker, and musician devoted to healing and embodiment. i share essays, poetry, and original music through venus consciousness. i’d love to walk this path with you. 💞

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if you missed it, feel free to join me for my next live video, wednesdays with venus at 1:00 mst.

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